Trailing Spouse Making Friends: A 4-Week Plan That Works

The short answer: trailing spouse making friends is harder than it looks from the outside, because you arrive without the colleagues, classmates and built-in routine your partner gets on day one. The fix is to build that structure yourself: join one international club or association, one activity that meets weekly (a course, a sport, a choir or volunteering), and use your partner’s company network and your children’s school if you have them. Give each one a month, follow up with the people you like, and look after your own sense of purpose along the way.

“Trailing spouse” is not a phrase many people love, and “accompanying partner” is gentler, but the experience behind it is real. When a friend of mine moved to Germany for her husband’s job, he came home every evening with stories about colleagues and lunches. She had spent the day dealing with paperwork, unpacking and wondering who on earth she would talk to that week. She was capable, sociable and had a career she had paused, and she was surprised by how isolating it felt. It took her about two months to find her people, and once she did, she thrived. This guide is the plan we worked out together.

Why trailing spouse making friends is harder

• No built-in network. Your partner meets dozens of people in the first week at work. You start from zero.
• No structure. Without a job or course, days can lose their shape, and it is easy to stay home.
• Different timing. You may be free during the day when most people are at work, and busy with family in the evenings.
• Identity shift. If you left a career, people may ask “So what do you do?” and the answer can feel complicated.
• Visa and work limits. In some cases, work permissions for partners take time or are restricted, which removes the workplace as a way to meet people.
• Uneven experience at home. Your partner is busy and stimulated; you are lonely. That gap can strain the relationship if it is not talked about.

None of this means you are doing anything wrong. It means you need to build deliberately what other people get by default. If loneliness is already weighing on you, our guide to expat loneliness explains why it hits and what helps.

Where accompanying partners meet people

1. International women’s and partners’ clubs

Many European cities have long-established international clubs that exist precisely for people in your situation. Examples I verified include the Professional Women’s Network, with city networks in 26 cities; FAWCO member clubs such as the American Women’s Clubs in The Hague, Madrid, Dublin and Berlin and the American Women’s Association of Rome; the International Women’s Association of Prague, volunteer-run since 1991; and, for parents in Paris, Message, with a family membership of €50 a year. Many of these welcome members of any nationality, though rules vary, so check each one. They offer coffee mornings, interest groups, book clubs, outings and volunteering, and the members understand what you are going through.

2. Your partner’s company network

Many international employers have partner networks, family days, newcomer events or spouse support. Ask HR directly what exists. Even if there is nothing formal, colleagues’ partners are often in the same position as you, and suggesting a coffee is easy.

3. Children’s schools and activities

If you have children, the school gate, parents’ associations, class chat groups and after-school activities are among the most active social networks in any city. Volunteer for one school event early; it is a fast way to get to know other parents.

4. Courses and classes

A language course gives you structure, a reason to leave the house, and a group of people in a similar situation. Many accompanying partners also take courses connected to their profession or try something new: cooking, ceramics, photography, dance. Choose something that runs weekly for a term so you see the same faces.

5. Volunteering

Volunteering gives you purpose, structure and contact with locals. International clubs often run charity projects; food banks, refugee support organisations, animal shelters and environmental groups welcome volunteers. Professional skills (marketing, accounting, teaching, design) are especially valuable to small charities.

6. Sports and activity groups

Run groups, tennis and padel clubs, hiking groups and yoga classes all meet regularly. Daytime classes are often attended by other people with flexible schedules, including other accompanying partners and retirees.

7. Expat networks

InterNations, Meetup and Facebook groups for expats in your city list events and interest groups. Use them to find recurring activities. Our comparison of 12 ways to meet other expats sets the options side by side.

Copy-paste scripts

Answering “So what do you do?”

• “We moved here for my partner’s job, so I’m taking a few months to settle in and learn the language. Before that I worked in marketing.”
• “I’m on a career break while we settle. At the moment I’m volunteering with a food bank and doing a Spanish course.”

A short, confident answer that includes something you are doing now works better than an apology.

Reaching out

• To a colleague’s partner: “Hi, I’m Sam’s partner. We’ve just moved too. Would you like to grab a coffee one morning this week?”
• At a club: “I’m new and trying to find my feet. Which groups do you enjoy most?”
• At the school gate: “Our kids are in the same class. Would you like to get a coffee after drop-off on Thursday?”
• Following up: “It was lovely to meet you at the book club. Fancy a walk in the park next week?”

The 4-week plan for trailing spouse making friends

1. Week 1: structure and research. Set a daily routine with a reason to leave home each morning (a café, a walk, a class). Find two international clubs or associations and one weekly activity in your area. Ask your partner’s HR about partner networks.
2. Week 2: first visits. Go to one club event (a coffee morning or newcomers’ meeting) and one trial class or volunteering session. Introduce yourself to three people and note their names.
3. Week 3: commit. Choose one club and one weekly activity and put them in your calendar as fixed appointments. Suggest a coffee to one person you have met.
4. Week 4: deepen. Say yes to an interest group or outing within your club. Invite one or two people for lunch or a walk. Sign up for one volunteering shift or event.

After four weeks you should have a weekly rhythm and a few people you look forward to seeing. Keep going: the jump from acquaintance to friend usually happens in months two and three. Our broader guide on how to make friends abroad covers that phase.

What a settled week can look like

Not every week will look like this, and it does not need to. The point is to have two or three fixed commitments that do not depend on anyone else’s schedule, so that even a quiet week has shape and contact with people.

Identity and purpose: the part nobody talks about

For many accompanying partners, the hardest part is not loneliness but losing a sense of who they are. A career, a routine and a professional identity can disappear overnight. A few things help:

• Name your project for this posting. Learning the language to a certain level, a qualification, a creative project, a volunteer role, starting a business if your permit allows it. A project gives your days shape and gives you something to talk about.
• Keep a professional thread. Online courses, freelance work where permitted, professional networks in your field, or mentoring keep your skills and confidence alive.
• Use the flexibility. You may have time and freedom that working people do not. Explore the city, take a class you always wanted to, travel.
• Talk to people who have done it. International clubs are full of members who have moved several times and rebuilt their lives each time. Their perspective is reassuring.

When to seek support

If low mood lasts for weeks, you lose interest in things you used to enjoy, or you feel hopeless, please talk to a doctor or a counsellor. Many employers offer employee assistance programmes that also cover partners; ask HR. In an emergency, call 112. Our guide for when you feel lonely after moving abroad covers what to expect in the first months.

Looking after your relationship

• Talk openly about the imbalance. Your partner may not realise how different your days are. Say it plainly and kindly.
• Protect your social time. Your weekly club or class is a fixed appointment, not something to cancel when your partner is busy.
• Explore together at weekends, but also build friendships that are yours, not only couple friends from your partner’s work.
• Agree on a review point. Check in after three and six months: how are you both doing, and what needs to change?

Common mistakes

• Waiting until the house is perfect. Unpacking can wait; your social life cannot.
• Relying only on your partner’s colleagues. Build your own circle too.
• Trying one event and giving up. Groups feel different the third time you go.
• Apologising for your situation. Moving countries for your family is a big, brave thing.

Want to turn this into an actual plan? MeetNow is a free app for meeting people in person: a host posts a plan at a public place, says who pays (host pays, split, pay your own or free) and picks who joins. It is live on the web now, starting in Malta, with the phone apps on the way: open MeetNow and see the plans near you. (MeetNow is our own app.)

FAQ: trailing spouse making friends

What is a trailing spouse?

A trailing spouse, or accompanying partner, is someone who moves abroad because their partner has taken a job or posting there. Many find building a social life harder because they arrive without a workplace network.

How can a trailing spouse make friends abroad?

Join an international club or association, commit to one weekly activity such as a course, sport or volunteering, use your partner’s company network and children’s school if relevant, and follow up with people you meet.

Are there clubs for expat partners in Europe?

Yes. Examples include the Professional Women’s Network, FAWCO member clubs in cities such as The Hague, Madrid, Dublin, Berlin and Rome, the International Women’s Association of Prague and parents’ associations such as Message in Paris. Membership rules vary, so check each club.

How do I answer “What do you do?” as a trailing spouse?

Give a short, confident answer that mentions why you moved and what you are doing now, such as learning the language, volunteering or a project, plus your previous work if you like.

What if I feel lonely or low as an accompanying partner?

Keep your weekly commitments, talk to your partner and friends, and seek professional support if low mood lasts for weeks. Many employers’ assistance programmes also cover partners.